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December 2010
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SAMO [userpic]
there is something wrong with me

we lay in bed as we often did, after so many questions, the thin invisible electrical wires pulsating between us. was this my imagination? i could have told you this wasn't going to last. this happiness was too simple and your legs much too long. i could never keep up. i, in my pale pudgy body, curled against your tall torso. and every time i was surprised when you held me close and entwined your fingers in mine. of course, there were these things i could not tell you. i could only smile against the darkness of your room.

you'd always say how fun i am which made me sad. you never knew but it made me cringe to think of myself as a cheap carnival game you'd get sick of playing. i was never beautiful or any other such word. to look at you struck my eyes like a match and to kiss you i must have been drunk every time-- before or because of such kissing. i took photographs of you as you slept, but i didnt know that you are always this serene. you are a rational statue and i want to be your wavering shadow. the apparition.

and something else i could never tell you... i want to waste away. i want to become thin and fragile and twiney like the girls you seem to like. and all the hunger in me wil be for you. i want it to hurt because i feel like suffering for you. i want to be delicate and frail and fall like a leaf. i will be the pretty white light that you follow. i want to starve. and i will.

Current Location: florida
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: wilco